


According to Light and Gravity

by SQ (proteinscollide)



Category: Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-04
Updated: 2006-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-14 23:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proteinscollide/pseuds/SQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dawn's home from California the summer before college, but something in her relationship with Mary Anne has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	According to Light and Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> For lj user=settiai in the femslash06 challenge.
> 
> Thanks to littlerhymes for the beta. :)

“Earth to Mary Anne! Hello, anyone in there?”

I looked up, startled, as my best friend Kristy Thomas slid her tray across the table to bump into mine. After years of holding out against the travesty of school lunches, we’d given in just as most of our other friends (read: the cooler ones) started heading off campus for their food. There was fat chance of my father letting me do that, so here I was, staring at my still half-frozen lump of lasagne and wishing I was somewhere else.

“What were you thinking about just then? You were a million miles away,” Kristy continued, rolling up the arms of her turtleneck before taking a big bit out of her burger, which only looked slightly more edible than my portion.

“Oh, about Dawn, in California,” I ‘fessed up. “Her plane gets in tomorrow afternoon though. Can you believe it’s almost been a year since we’ve seen her?”

A whole year without my _other_ best friend. I had been thinking of all the things we’d have to catch up on, particularly about things on her end. I’d written her almost every month, just stupid chatty letters about senior year here at Stoneybrook High, the club and everybody who was still here, boring things I guess because she never really replied to them; I knew a fair bit about her babysitting adventures with Sunny and the rest of their gang out there, and a little less about school, and then very little about how she herself was doing. I missed our long talks at night when I needed her, I missed her like crazy.

“Don’t you have a job tomorrow afternoon?” Kristy asked, breaking into my thoughts.

“I haven’t forgotten, Kristy, I kind of run the calendar. Dad and Sharon are going to pick her up at the airport, I’ll see her after I get home from the Rodowskys.”

As I was explaining this to Kristy, I caught sight of a familiar figure in red out of the corner of my eye; Logan saw me at the same time and started walking towards us from the lunch line. Logan is my boyfriend, by the way, and has been for the last four years. Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how lucky we are to have gone steady for so long. I know we’re the envy of quite a few of the girls in my year, and they still try steal him away from me from time to time. In the early years I used to mind so much, but lately… I watched Logan objectively as he walked over, and he’s still one of the cutest and nicest boys around, but the smile I gave him didn’t feel as natural as it should’ve been, and the kiss he gave me when he got to our table was quick and perfunctory, the same as it had been in the last few months.

“Hey Kristy,” he said in greeting, setting his tray down on the table, not sitting down. “Mary Anne, I’m really sorry, but coach called a meeting with the team for lunch, and  
I’m heading to the gym now but -”

“No, it’s fine, really,” I said, and I meant it.

“Really? That’s good, thanks,” he said, obviously relieved. “But I’ll see you Friday night?”

“Uh, Dawn’s coming home tomorrow, remember? She’s only here for a week, I thought I’d hang out with her as much as I can, we have heaps to catch up on.”

“Right, yeah.” Logan started backing away slowly. He stared at me for a moment, his eyes a little accusatory. “Guess you won’t make the game on Saturday either then?”

“I’ll try,” I said, but I couldn’t keep the shrug right out of my voice. Logan walked away without looking back after that. In four years I’d been to maybe twenty or so of his baseball games all up, and most of those had been in the first two years. _Back when I cared_ , a little voice in my head whispered nastily, and I shivered. I’m just not into sport that much, ok? But it was an old argument, and an old excuse. Logan knew I was blowing him off, again.

“What’s up with you and Logan?” Kristy asked after he was safely out of earshot, but there was only the slightest curiosity in her voice. I sighed. Kristy had been my best friend since forever, but she really wasn’t the person to turn to with boy problems, or for boy advice. Thank goodness Dawn would be here tomorrow.

“Um, nothing much. You know. The usual…”

The bell rang for next period, saving me from the lie I couldn’t come up with. I jumped up gratefully, gathering up my mostly uneaten meal, and said, “Anyway, I better get to English, you know how Mrs Perkins gets if we’re the tiniest bit late.”

“Yeah,” Kristy said, more focussed on throwing her balled up rubbish into the nearest bin. “See you. Hey, meeting on Friday afternoon, bring Dawn if she’d like.”

I laughed and nodded as I walked away. Kristy _never_ lets us forget a meeting.

* * * 

Mom and Richard talked gently as we drove home from the airport, the words muffled by the radio in the background. It was good of them to let me rest. It hadn’t been a long journey, but I felt listless and down. It might have been the Connecticut weather – it had been all sunny blue skies when we took off but here there was a slight drizzle, slow drops sliding past my face on the window pane. But it was also partly the feeling of returning to Stoneybrook; even after only a year, I knew things couldn’t be the same – not the places we passed, the children I’d babysat for, my friends and most of all, Mary Anne.

As if reading my thoughts, Richard spoke up. “Dawn, Mary Anne had a baby sitting job at the Rodowskys, but she will be joining us for dinner tonight. I know she is really looking forward to seeing you again.”

“She even helped me prepare tofu surprise for tonight!” mom exclaimed, and I had to laugh at that. Some things would never change. I was sure Richard and Mary Anne had not converted to vegetarianism in the time I’d been gone, and that Mary Anne would even be willing to help make anything with tofu in it was a nice welcoming thought.

But Mary Anne wasn’t home as expected when we arrived, and Richard was about to move into the hysteria phase when she rang almost an hour later. We’d already sat down for dinner, he came to the table with his frown only slightly lessened and said, “Mary Anne says Jackie had a bad fall this afternoon, and she’s had to take him to the local emergency department. The Rodowskys are on their way to the hospital now, but she won’t be home for a while yet. We should probably eat before the food gets even colder.”

The trip caught up with me while we were eating. I barely touched mom’s generous serving, and not long after that I excused myself from the table with a headache and went to lie down. My room had been left exactly as I’d left it, everything neatly arranged, but there were fresh sheets and a little framed embroidery square on the door proclaiming “Dawn’s room” which hadn’t been there before. I smiled at the sisterly touches, even while feeling my insides churn, and it was only because of the tiredness that I fell asleep so quickly and deeply. But I could swear that even in my dreams I could head a familiar soft voice calling my name, calling me out.

* * * 

Dawn had laughed too when I told her that Kristy said her attendance at the BSC meeting was mandatory.

“So Kristy and I will come pick you up after school, OK?” I said thickly through a slice of toast and a quick sip of OJ. Dad honked the horn from outside again, and I grabbed my pack and ran before Dawn could give me an answer. I threw myself into the front seat of the car, and Dad gave me a frown before pulling out of the driveway. I’m normally very punctual, but I’d barely slept last night, fretting about everything – Jackie’s leg (broken _again_ ), another short cold phone call with Logan just before bed, the fact I hadn’t said more than ten words to Dawn since she’d arrived. I sat back in the cool silence of the car and sighed heavily. The day had to get better from here, right?

In fact, the only bright moment of my day was the meeting. At school, I realised I’d left my completed history assignment on my desk at the moment Mr White started to collect them; Logan had another ‘urgent’ baseball meeting though he’d been in no great rush just before I walked up to him in the hall, since he’d been having an involved conversation with Pete Black by his locker; Cokie Mason ‘tripped’ on my bag walking into study hall and spilt her can of pop all over my AP Calc notes; and Kristy nearly ran over Tigger when she pulled into our driveway. Tigger isn’t even an outdoors cat! Sharon never remembers to shut the screen door properly.

“I call this meeting to order!” Kristy called out at 5:30pm on the dot. Abby and Dawn stopped talking about some restaurant in California that only serves organic non-allergenic hypo-something-or-other food and sat up straighter. No Shannon today as she had a debate club meeting; I’m still amazed she decided to fit us into her busy schedule of extracurriculars, but she has awesome time management skills.

The BSC isn’t what it used to be. Even after we stopped the summer after middle school, parents still rang Claudia wanting to know if any of us would still be willing to keep babysitting their kids. Some of them even started to beg after a while, people trusted us and the kids wanted us back, some parents really had no-one else to turn to (the Barrett – De Witts, with their extended family, was one of the more insistent). And really, Kristy was going stir-crazy without something or someone to organise and boss around, apart from the Krushers. So in sophomore year, I caved and helped her ask the others back. It wasn’t easy. Claudia and Stacey were no longer friends – not with each other and not with us, and they definitely thought they were too cool for it now. Mallory was having the time of her life at boarding school (even though there were no boys), Jessie had this intensive schedule with three ballet sessions a week at Stamford, and Dawn was still in California, of course.

So apart from it just being the four of us meeting in Kristy’s room now, the other main difference is that there’s no danger of sitting on a secret stash of junk food or Nancy Drews in here. Otherwise, as Watson put in a phone line especially for us, it’s business as usual for the BSC. It is weird sometimes though – I know that Kristy will be my best friend forever, but I’m always reminded that the other two girls are closer to her than me, and it makes me miss having the old group of BSC here, sitting and waiting for the phone to ring. Which it did, not long after 5:30, and I had no time to be morose as we looked up the record book and assigned sitters for the Newtons, Jenny Prezzioso, and the Hobarts in quick succession. It wasn’t until five to six that we hit our first problem of the night.

“Mary Anne, that was Mrs Pike. One sitter for Tuesday afternoon, she’s got to take the triplets and Nicky to softball practice, so she needs someone to look after Claire, Margo and Vanessa until dinner.”

I checked the record book. “Uh-oh. Kristy, you’ve got softball, obviously; Abby and Anna are going to see grandparents, Shannon has volunteer work at the youth centre, and I have yearbook.” I checked again. “Even Logan has a coaching session.”

Kirsty grimaced. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an unusual situation lately, since all five of us have packed schedules, with all the necessary extracurriculars to pad out our college applications.

“I can do it,” Dawn said suddenly. “If you guys don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” Kristy asked, “You’re on holiday, really.” But she already had her fingers on the phone, ready to call the Pikes back with the good news. She really hates letting clients down.

“Yeah, sure,” Dawn replied. “I miss them. And Jeff bugged me to bring a present for the triplets, so I can drop that off.”

It wasn’t until we were in the car, on the way home, that Dawn turned to me and said quietly, “I’m sorry, I know you wanted to hang out after yearbook meeting, but I thought - ”

“It was good of you to offer,” I said hurriedly, turning away.

I had this throbbing migraine, and I didn’t want to think about how Dawn and I had barely said two sentences to each other in two days, and she was already looking for things to do without me. We sat out the rest of the car ride in silence, all the way home. At dinner, Dawn chatted away to her mom about Jeff and her friends there, even with dad about school, but not to me. By the time Dad and I had finished loading the dishwasher (Sharon is awful at cleaning up in the kitchen), her bedroom door was closed and I could just make out the tinny noise of her radio.

After homework, just before bed, I noticed her door was ajar, the light still on. I knocked lightly and went in; Dawn was sitting in bed, reading, looking very serious with her glasses on.

“Hey,” I said lightly, standing at the foot of the bed, waiting for her to shift her legs so I could sit down, as we’d always done. “How have you been? You’ve been very quiet.” _To me_ , only inside my head.

Dawn put her book neatly aside. “You know, a bit tired.” She shrugged. “It’s nice to have a couple of days away from school.”

“Congratulations again on the early acceptance to Bryn Mawr, sis.” She still hadn’t made any room for me to sit down, so I sidled closer to the head and leant down to give her a hug. Her hair was slightly damp, a fresh apple-y smell; and her hug was warm. As she pulled away, I said jokingly, “OK, now can I sit down please?”

“Mary Anne, I’m still feeling a bit tired, so…maybe we can catch up tomorrow.”

A funny-horrible pit started forming in my stomach. She was blowing me off, again. I stood up and put my hands on my hips. “Fine. You must have been sooo tired when you were talking to Abby all afternoon, or with Sharon and Dad at dinner, and when you were reading all night…whatever.” I couldn’t help it, all the terrible words spilling out of me, the bitter tone.

Dawn lay down and turned her face to the wall. I felt bad straight away – maybe she was just tired and I was being such a bitch. I put my hand on her shoulder, warm even through the blanket, and said, “I’m sorry, Dawn. I’ll – I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.”

Dawn was silent through my apology. In the end, I just walked away, and it wasn’t until I was at the door that she spoke

“Can you switch off the light as you leave?”

Ouch. That was cold. Maybe it wasn’t just me being the bitch here then. I flicked the light switch off and flounced out.

* * * 

  


Kristy was really really annoyed about that vague entry in the notebook. But I think she’d understand if she was in my position. It’s pretty tough for a fourteen year old to be dealing with his sexuality on his own, let alone a fourteen year old triplet who is getting killed by his brothers who can’t believe that he’s keeping something from them.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. When I turned up at the Pikes that afternoon, it was chaos. Mrs Pike opened the door with a harried look, and when we walked in it was just in time to see Adam almost shoving Byron down the stairs. Mrs Pike just sighed and yelled, “BOYS!” and I guessed this was not an unusual occurrence lately. Jordan, Adam and Nicky pounded down the stairs, grabbed their bags and ran out the door. Byron sat on the top step and just looked at his mother. Finally, Mrs Pike sighed again, and said, “Fine. We’re going to have to talk about this sometime, this is the third practice you’ve missed. Dawn, is it ok - ”

I nodded, she seemed harassed enough already. And Byron was so obviously miserable that I didn’t want to force him to do something he didn’t want, even if it meant I’d have an extra person to look after for the afternoon.

“Thanks, Dawn. Byron, don’t even think about giving Dawn any trouble, ok? Do your homework. Dad and I will talk to the boys again tonight about their behaviour.” She smiled at him, a wobbly I’m-trying-to-be-reassuring smile, and Byron gave her an equally unconvincing one in return.

I organised an afternoon snack for the kids. Mrs Pike had three apples out, and I found some carrot in the fridge, but the Pike kids don’t have any food rules at all, so in the end I had to compromise – they wouldn’t eat just carrot sticks and apple slices, but somehow they were happy to eat them with a disgusting combination of peanut butter, jelly or Graham crackers. Yuck. Byron hadn’t come down, and I couldn’t help thinking about how sad he had looked, sitting on that top step by himself.

“You know, if you want to check in on him, I can look after these two monsters here.” Vanessa broke into my thoughts, the first time she’d looked up from her notebook since I’d gotten here. No, I lied – the second. The first was when she asked if I could think of a word that rhymed with violet.

“I’m not a monster!” Margo yelled, but she was really concentrating on making a peanut butter and carrot bits sandwich. I handed her a cloth without a word, and she ignored it to suck the excess PB off her fingers.

“Yes you are. Look at you!”

“Claire is messier!”

Claire kept forgetting she had grape jelly on her hands before pushed her hair off her face. Vanessa looked at her youngest sister, rolled her eyes, and picked up the cloth I’d left on the table and started wiping at the purple stains on her sister’s skin.

“Go on, Dawn, I can handle this. It’s just another normal meal time at the Pikes, really.”

“Um, I’ll just be a moment then.”

Byron was nowhere to be seen when I went out into the hall, not in the triplets’ room, not in anyone’s bedroom. I went back into the kitchen, where Vanessa had managed to convince Claire to stop making art out of her snack and start eating her sculptures, and caught sight of Byron outside, bouncing a tennis ball against the back fence.

“Hey Byron. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

I hadn’t been sure of what I should say. On one hand, it really was no use pretending that everything was fine, but also, I hadn’t seen him in over a year, and I had no idea if he thought talking to his babysitter would be stupid. But I was surprised by the tumble of words that followed.

“Everything sucks. Adam and Jordan hate me because I don’t want to hang out at the mall and try to put my hand up Janie’s to – um. You know, stupid stuff like that. And I – I don’t want to be different from them, ‘cos we’ve always done stuff together and they’re my brothers and – but I don’t think they’d understand this.”

I kept quiet as Byron stuttered his way through his problems. I gathered that the change from middle school to high school had gone pretty well for the other two triplets, but Byron was having some trouble with one or two of his subjects, and he was torn between keeping up his marks and keeping up with his brothers. But I also gathered there was something else that Byron was struggling with that he felt he couldn’t share with anyone.

I knew what that felt like. And I knew sometimes, when we had secrets, how hard it was to ask people to help us; my friends had taught me that, but they had also taught me that the reason we know friends love us is that when we trust them, they always come through for us.

“Byron. Can I tell you something about one of my friends in California? His name is Ducky. He’s at college now, but when he was in high school, kids picked on him because he didn’t fit in. He wasn’t a jock, he wasn’t a nerd, he was just the nicest guy and he’s one of my best friends. In his senior year, one of my other best friends – Sunny – really liked him, and she even kissed him, and we were all really surprised when he turned her down, they seemed like they’d make a really cute couple, even though Ducky hadn’t ever shown much interest in dating. But the reason was, Ducky had a secret, and he’d been keeping in to himself for so long that when he wanted to tell us, it got harder and harder over time. And when he did tell us in the end, we didn’t mind at all, or not much anyway, and it helped us to understand him better and some of us even got along better after that because we were being honest.”

I took a deep breath. I hadn’t really talked about to anyone other than the Kids4Eva members, because it’d been such a big personal issue and affected our friendships deeply over the last year. Byron was listening to me intently, and I could feel that he understood in some way why I was telling this to him.

“Can I ask, um. What Ducky’s secret was?” he said shyly.

“Sure. It’s not a secret anymore,” I replied, smiling. “He’s gay.”

I said it lightly but it made a big difference to Byron. He looked as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. “Ducky’s gay,” he repeated, wonderingly. “So did he get picked on even more when people found out?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie to Byron, but I wasn’t sure if the whole nasty truth would help him through this time. “It wasn’t easy at first, and his last weeks at high school weren’t great,” I said slowly, “but then he went to college and he found other friends who were just as accepting of him as we were at home.”

“It’s just that, well, I don’t know anyone else who’s gay,” Byron confessed. “I mean, anyone at all who is.” He gave me a sidelong glance. “You won’t tell anyone what we’re talking about, right?” I promised him on the spot that I wouldn’t. Hence the cryptic notebook entry.

Byron and I talked a little more after that, just about what he’d been going through in the last few months, and maybe talking to the counsellor at school if things got a bit tough on his own. I was getting a little bit worried about the girls back in the house, so after promising again that I wouldn’t mention a word of this conversation to anyone else, I left Byron with his thoughts and went back inside, dreading destruction and mayhem. Instead, I found Margo “helping” Claire with her homework, and Vanessa washing the plates dreamily.

“You silly-billy, 4 times 2 is 8, not 9!”

“Who asked you anyway? Daaaaawwwn, tell Margo to stop bothering me.”

“Well, fine, if you want all your work to be wrong!”

I had to laugh. Back to normal babysitting duties. But this had definitely been an interesting job, and not just because of Byron’s dilemma. Telling him a bit about my life in California in the last year reminded me that I had some unresolved issues, and on the ride back home (Mr Pike was nice enough to drive me so I didn’t have to walk, and they paid me a little extra too!) all I could think about what I hadn’t told Byron; it wasn’t just Ducky who had been keeping secrets from his friends.

And to top it off, Mary Anne and I were still not talking to each other after our fight on Friday night. In two days I would be going home to California. I knew I had to open up and tell her everything soon, but I was still scared to apologise, or confess. What if she freaked out? I couldn’t bear to lose her as my friend forever.

* * * 

Wednesday morning started out normal. I woke up from the light streaming through my window right onto my face. I could hear running water, someone in the shower down the hallway. The smell of bacon, and in my mind I could already see my dad fixing breakfast for us – bacon and toast and orange juice for us, fruit and muesli for Sharon. Normal.

But as I lay there, everything hit me all at once and I felt sick to the stomach suddenly, and I didn’t want to go to school today, because then I would have to face Logan, and think about everything he’d said to me last night.

 _We’re over, Mary Anne_ , he’d yelled. _And we’ve been over for months, you and I know it. Ever since Dawn booked her flight you’ve been talking and thinking non-stop about it. It’s not normal, Mary Anne. She’s like your sister, she wouldn’t feel that way about you. I’m you boyfriend, but I’m never on your mind anymore, am I? When’s the last time we went out on a proper date? When’s the last time we kissed, and meant it?_

We’d said a whole bunch of other stuff after that, about not having time for each other, and how we were going to be states and states apart next year since he’d was definitely going back to Kentucky, but nothing else had the venom of his first words. His accusations about me, and Dawn. I tucked my legs up, knees to my tummy, under the covers and groaned. Of all the things he could have pointed out…

There was a soft knock on my door. “Can I come in?”

Speak of the devil.

“Are we speaking again?” I threw some spite into my voice, hoping it would sound like I meant it. Dawn had been much nicer to me at dinner last night after she came home from the Pikes, but when I got home from my “date” with Logan I hadn’t been in a reconciliatory mood at all, slamming my bedroom door to shut out my family.

“Mary Anne, I just wanted to apologise to you.” She had my breakfast on a tray, complete with a daisy in a little vase. “I’ve been such a bitch since I came home. And I know I shut you out for most of this year, with my crappy letters compared to the really lovely ones you sent me. Can you forgive me?”

Looking up at her beautiful open face, I burst into tears, I couldn’t help it. “I should be the one apologising. I’ve been pushing you to spend time with me from the moment you came home, not giving you any space…I’m so sorry.”

And with that, our fight was over. Dawn put the tray down on my study table and came over to give me a hug. Her long hair was down and it tickled my hands as I pulled her close and tried to still the frantic beating of my heart. _I’m happy because we’re no longer fighting and we’re friends again, that’s all._

“Mary Anne, there’s just one more thing…” Dawn looked very serious, and she was biting her lip nervously. “I didn’t – um – I kept pretty quiet about the last year in California ‘cos there was all this stuff happening in my life and it was pretty heavy-going and I really needed some time to process it. But I want to tell you now - ”

“MARY ANNE! I am leaving in three minutes. If you are not up by now I am not driving you to school, late. This is not like you at all, twice in one week.” My dad’s voice cut through Dawn’s words, and I scrambled out of bed.

“Oh no, look at the time.” I looked around, panicked. Normally I set out my clothes the night before, but I’d cried myself to sleep and neglected to do it. Dad was right – this disorganisation was horribly uncharacteristic, and I knew exactly why I was like this, all flustered.

“Richard, I was actually going to walk with Mary Anne to school. You don’t have to wait, sorry we didn’t tell you.” Dawn had opened the door to my room a crack to yell back her lie. She put her fingers to her lips to warn me not to voice my surprise.

“I think you could cut school for one day to spend time with your horrible sister who didn’t spare you any time this week, right?” She said quietly, with a wry smile.

We went to the mall in Stamford, and I spent the whole trip hoping against hope that none of the parents we babysit for would see me on the bus heading away from school. Dawn put her hand on my knee at one point and said, “Relax, everyone who works will have already gone to work and none of the mothers would go all the way to Stamford for groceries.” Her palm hot against my skin, through my skirt, and I blushed.

“You know nerves get the better of me all the time,” I quipped. But I kept an eye out, scanning for any familiar faces in the crowds.

“Oh, let’s see a movie,” Dawn said as we passed by the cinema. “Do you have a choice?”

“Uh, not really,” I said, trying hard to keep the frustration out of my voice. She’d gone and said she had something to tell me, all serious like, and then not a word about it on the way here, and now _this_. “You choose what you want.”

“Oh good,” Dawn said, “I’ve wanted to see this movie for ages. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it.” She paid for two tickets to some movie that sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t remember for the life of me why. It wasn’t until we were about twenty minutes in, when the pretty lead actress turned down the pretty actor in favour of kissing her also very pretty best friend that it clicked. I had a quick look around the audience in the dark. There were a lot of women here, mostly in pairs, and some of them were holding hands. Oh god, how could Dawn have read me so easily? Was she trying to be supportive in some terribly misguided way? I couldn’t enjoy the movie at all, sweet and romantic as it was, with the thoughts and questions turning over and over in my head.

“So…lunch?” Dawn said, in a much too jolly tone, the moment we stepped out of the theatre.

I snapped.

“You said you had something to tell me, back in my room. What’s with all this distraction? I’m really happy that we’re getting to spend time together, but you can’t just leave me hanging like that…”

I trailed off as the smile left Dawn’s face. She looked scared and sad, and the noise around us was much too harsh and tacky.

“Let’s – It’s kind of private. This isn’t a very good place. I was going to tell you at home, but your dad’s interruption kind of put me off and I lost my nerve.” She took a deep breath. “But yeah, I owe you an explanation. Maybe - ” Dawn looked around us, at the screaming little children running around, the neon lights of the food court stalls.

“No, you’re right, this is a bad place to have a heart-to-heart. Let’s go home.” I knew I’d ruined the mood completely, screwed up our day together.

On the bus home, Dawn was silent, chewing on her bottom lip again. Finally, I reached over and took one of her hands in my mine, the smallest gesture in trying to make things right. She looked over and gave me a little smile, but real. It made me feel a bit better.

It wasn’t until we were home, and sitting on her bed, that she said anything. Well, she would have, if my nerves hadn’t gotten the better of me again.

“Before you say anything,” I blurted out, “No matter what you’re going to tell me, I love you. And nothing can change that.” Oh no. Why did I have to open my big mouth? I’m getting more and more like Kristy…

Dawn laughed nervously. She didn’t look nauseated with what I’d just stupidly said, but she did still look horrified, like I would reach over and bite off her head after she told me her big news.

“Thanks, Mary Anne, you don’t know how much I needed to hear that. Um. Because. I want to tell you that. That I’m gay. And I’m in love with you.” The words came out in a rush, in one breath, and as if it hurt for her to say them out loud. She was studiously avoiding my eyes, her fingers nervously tracing the pattern on her bedspread. If she had been looking up, she would’ve have seen my unbelieving stare, and maybe the glint of hope that had just crept into the corner of my heart that wasn’t already dancing around, celebrating.

“You love me. That’s your secret. That’s why you’ve been avoiding me?” I knew I sounded a little hysterical, but it was just the relief bubbling up through me, joy. Unfortunately, I was starting to get weepy as well, and I think the combination had convinced Dawn that I was feeling the exact opposite of what I meant to convey.

“Please don’t hate me, don’t be too awkward with me after this, please. I just needed to tell you after carrying it around with me for the better part of the year, because I owe you the truth.”

“No, I don’t think that, oh god, I have got to stop crying at everything. You love me like I love you?” I couldn’t stop repeating the words, hearing them said for real.

“What?” Dawn said, snapping to attention, finally. “I mean, yes. I think. What?”

Words were getting us nowhere. I had never made the first move when I was with Logan, but I could understand that now. I never wanted to. I was happy to let everything in life wash over me, let others decide what I could and couldn’t do, and not complaining even if it made me unhappy. But I had never been afraid to stand up to Dawn, to talk things over with her until we were both satisfied with the result, to be equals. And though there would be consequences and a whole lot of explanations to make later, here and now I could make my own choices.

So I kissed her. I leaned across, took her surprised face in my hands and pressed my lips to hers with a smile. And she kissed me back, long and sweet and romantic, everything I like. And yes, I cried, again; but she kissed me until I stopped, until we were both dizzy and breathless and happy.

END


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